I haven't blogged in over a year now. Remember when Tristan Ludlowe, from the movie Legends of the Fall, had his "inner grizzly bear" sleeping. I think this is what happened to me... in a good way.
I went to Haiti in December. December 7-12 I think. It was one month to the day before the catastrophic earthquake to crush Haiti.
It's been hard for me to process what I saw in Haiti. The farther away I get from my trip, the more I appreciate my time. The more I run things through my head, the more I understand about how much I have been shaped by my experience. Nothing indicates that this changing will stop... I hope not. My priest,
Mike Fedewa, who came on the trip with me, has described coming back from the trip and realizing how much living in the USA is like winning the lottery. I think it is where many of us have come to realize as we think about the poverty in Haiti.
As I watched the young girls (and boys) wander the streets naked and unsupervised, I had to think about my 3 beautiful girls (ages 1, 2 and 4). The image that is burned in my brain is that of a 3 or 4 year old boy with a Los Angeles Lakers jersey (Kobe Bryant I think) wandering the streets of
Cite Soleil, looking for somebody to pick him up... or hold his hand... or give him a quarter. I watched as he wandered and thought about my own children and was unable to comprehend how this could ever happen to my kids. I tried to imagine my three, walking through the garbage filled street looking for food, fun, or money. I think the reason I couldn't/wouldn't think about it is because of the awful things that must frequently happen to the children of the streets in Cite Soleil.
While staying in Haiti, we stayed at the Hotel Montana. It was the nicest Hotel in Haiti (it was the nicest hotel I had ever stayed in). It was up on top of a mountain overlooking the Port Au Prince. You could barely see the poverty from the hotel. It was practically another country. I remember feeling sick when we got to the hotel after seeing people in the most impoverished situations that I had ever seen. I drank a Prestige Beer (locally brewed) and shook my head unable to comprehend the things I had seen. I felt totally disconnected from Haiti and from the people who live there each and every day. I felt so safe and sterile and confused.
After the earthquake, I have been in a dark space. Many of the questions I asked after the 2005 tsunami have once again been popping up: "Where is God? Who's fault is this? How can you kick somebody when they are already on the ground?" The first week after the quake I found myself weeping several times a day. It scared my wife and kids (and me). I was concerned about my mental stability.
Many died in the Hotel Montana. The media covered the story a great deal due to the amount of Americans who were staying there at the time of the quake and also due to the number of Americans, who... like me, had stayed there in the past. It was nauseating thinking about how safe I felt while there as well as about all the folks who were buried under several stories of rubble.
I wish I could say that after two weeks, that I have some answers to my questions. I only have more questions. If I'm honest, I'll say that it is a relief that I'm not thinking about Haiti nearly as much. I'm not checking the news or internet several times an hour. At work, I'm able to function in a more normal way. I'm not weeping an wailing like I had been. It's a relief... and yet a sign of the thing I'm scared of most... forgetting.
