I've been trying to figure out how to process being hit in the face. Violence is such a weird thing. I'd like to point out some feelings I've been having and then write about what I think they mean.
1. Pitty/compassion- The individual that punched me has I'm sure been the victim of violence many times. I genuinely feel bad for this young man. It isn't fair that he has never been shown how to process strong feelings of anger and dissapointment. It's painful to think about this soon to be man's future. He will most likely wind up in prison.
2. Anger- Though I am aware of the cycle of abuse passed down from one Dad to his son... it has now been passed down to me. And that sucks. It brings out angry feelings that I haven't felt in a long-long time. My anger is something that effects every relationship I have I think. I either take up the victim role of a person who deserves and demands your pity or I take on the role of the asshole who deserves and demands your obedience and respect.
3. Helplessness- As I have been re-discovering my idealism about life in general, I find myself in a strange spot. I am a man who is aspiring to live a life filled with peace and grace. So I wonder if pacifism can really work. In the job I'm in, is there any other way to help young violent men deal with their issues? How much can a person take before he can no longer be compassionate and must now move on to try to bring about the Kingdom in another area?
4. Hopelessness- As I try to figure out what to do next, I realize I don't have a lot of marketable skills for a new job in the state with the second highest unemployment rate in the US. So I suppose I'll stay in my job to try to be an agent of grace not because I choose to, but because I must. Speak Lord for your servant is listening.
8 comments:
Christian,
I am watching an episode of the Tyra Banks show about Violent Girl Syndrome as I write this. Anyway, I have to say that you have come a long way since my first day at RBC when you knocked my books out of my hand and tried to pick a fight with me.
Seriously though. I hope you can get a new job man. I think it is very admirable work that you do - kingdom work really - that not everyone is able or willing to do. But you have done it for so long and I hope for you and your family that you can get another job soon.
(on that note are you still planning on going to seminary? I am seriously considering transferring to a Lutheran seminary and I hope we can get together soon and talk about our similar journeys towards more liturgical ecclesial bodies).
Anyway, pacifism is a hard path one which I have chose as well. But I have never really been tested on that and hope to never have to be.
Great post, Christian. I think it's really healthy for you to process what happened. It's a key part of the transparency you're striving to live by. Keep it up!
Hi Christian, i'm sorry to hear that you got hit. That does suck. i've got issues with being hit in the face. i know how hard it can be to keep your cool. i'm glad you did.
It sounds like the soup kitchen job didn't work out. i'm sorry to hear that but i don't want you to give up finding something more suitable and freeing for you.
If i keep going the way i am, there may be a pastorate open up North for you. :-)
Your post inspired some thoughts and reflections on my own blog. Sorry for your bad, bad time and I hope God will bless you through this trying time.
Thanks for the kind words Wayne. I'd love to get together. You have my number. Let's do it soon.
Jodi- Thanks. I applied for another job last night. we'll see if I get an interview this time.
Keith- are you still having a hard time up there? I guess I don't really know exactly what you're dealing with.
EB- Thanks. I read your blog. It was well done. Thanks for the encouragement.
Christian,
I got punched in the shoulder by, I'm assuming, the same young man last night. Not nearly as traumatic as the face, but it brought about some emotions.
I still think it's possible to choose the road of non-violence. In fact, I think by choosing to reject violence in the face of someone who is acting out violently you can show them that there is a better road. And in this kid's case, you can show him that there are still people who won't give up on him no matter how hard he tries to push them away.
Hey Christian, long time no "see" *haha* I'm sorry for your getting hit... that's a bummer for sure, but it seems like your in a spiritual growth spurt because of it, so Praise Him! I pray for you and Jodi when I think on you... you guys hold a special place in my heart...
Okay, so I have a question for you. How do you define pacifism? I look at Jesus as the Bible describes Him (especially as the Jesus who is coming back to rescue the righteous) and I don't really see what the world would define as a pacifist... So, I was just wondering... what say the discontented scholar? :)
Steve- now you're going to find out what a bastard I really am. I guess what I mean is you'll see the boundaries to my faith and my dedication to living peacefully. It's really what i meant to say in the post originally. When somebody chooses (or not even choooses... maybe the person has a mental illness or an awful past and can't make good choices... or whatever) to punch me... I have lost my desire to be therapeutic. I still want them to get help, but I am no longer interested in being a part of it. I won't try to do any damage to the person, but I can't/won't turn the other cheek.
This could be another blog now that I'm pondering it... Could i take communion with this person/ Would I serve communion to this person? Can a person experience the Grace of God if they are out of community with the body?
I'm going to think about this a lot I think.
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